You are suddenly woken up.

Your child is poking you saying, “Can I sleep with you?”

You started the habit of letting your child sleep in the family bed.

Lately, you have been waking up in the middle of the night.

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You are unable to get back to sleep because you feel like you are hanging on the edge of the bed.

Finally, you decide to get out of bed and go sleep on the couch.

Now that your child has gotten bigger, you want to stop this habit.

 Are you finding that as your child gets older there doesn’t seem to be enough room in the family bed for everyone to sleep comfortably?  Do you feel your right to sleep in a comfortable bed is being violated?  If this is the case, you may want to consider changing the family sleeping arrangements.  If your child still wants to sleep in the family bed or wakes up in the middle of the night and is insecure and lonely and comes into your bed, follow these guidelines:

• Explain that sleep is important because it gives the body energy to play and grow.
• Teach self-calming techniques such as humming, singing, listening to soft music, or doing quiet movements (rocking) to help children relax themselves.
• Allow or encourage the use of security objects so you don’t have to be present.
• Systematize your check-in routine: See the article “­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Do You Have Bedtime Battles With Children Because They Keep Coming Out Of Their Rooms” for details on how to use this technique.
• If your child is currently sleeping in the family bed, gradually move your child to your child’s room.
• o First, start your child out sleeping on a mattress/cot on the floor next to your bed (what was once the family bed). When your child wakes, hang your hand down and pat your child on the back, but don’t let your child in your bed.
• o Then move the mattress/cot out of arms reach. When your child wakes, use your voice to calm and tell your child to stay there.
• o Then move the mattress/cot to your child’s room or move your child into their own bed in their own room. If they wake in the middle of the night, they have several options and you choose which option to give them:
  • They can come in your room but must sleep on the floor and not wake you.
  • They can start learning self-calming techniques to stay in their bed.
  • If they wake you, you’ll walk them back into their room and follow the guidelines listed in the the article, “What Do You Do When Children Wake In The Middle of the Night and Want to Sleep In The Family Bed?”

 Getting children to sleep on their own is only one type of bedtime problem.  For details on how to solve all ten bedtime challenges get the teleseminar that summarizes all my bedtime articles.   Click here for more details about “The Halting Bedtime Hassles” teleseminar.  This one hour audio contains the solutions you need to help solve all top ten bedtime battles with children.  Click here to check it out!

*****************************

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop and president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. She has 30 years’ experience as a top-rated speaker and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Currently, she hosts the Parents Tool Talk radio show and is a parenting expert columnist for Chic Mom magazine. She has produced almost 100 multimedia resources, which are available at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com. 

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

 Instead of finishing the chores, you go to his room and lay with him until he falls asleep.

 You are up later to get everything done. 

 After you are asleep, your child comes into your bedroom sometime during the night.

You are tired, so you just let him climb into the family bed.

 However, not everyone sleeps well when this happens.  You or your spouse toss and turn or feel cramped.

 Plus, you hear horror stories and expert warnings about the dangers of the family bed.

 One of the most common bedtime problems parents face is children not “staying in bed.” A common solution is to let children climb into bed with you.  “Family beds” or “shared sleep” is one option millions of parents worldwide practice. It is an option, however, that is controversial, particularly in the United States, and could even be dangerous. So this article looks more closely at bonding and physical touch during early child development years because it stimulates brain development.

 Here are some quick facts about Family Beds:

• Americans are one of only a few cultures worldwide that sleep separately.
• There are many physical and emotional benefits to shared sleep.
• Family beds don’t work for everyone. Only use them if everyone sleeps better.
• The family bed can be dangerous if parents are deep sleepers, on medication or use alcohol/drugs. If any of these are the case, then never share sleep or it could endanger the child.
• Children will eventually sleep on their own if they are regularly encouraged to and learn skills to sleep independently.
• Parents need to nudge children to take the next step on sleeping alone but not push them to do it all at once if the child is truly fearful, not ready or has difficulty.
• Children don’t have to sleep in the same bed as parents; sometimes just being in the same room will suffice. This is also a nice transition step between parents’ bed and child’s bed in his or her own room.

 Ideally, you want children to start out the night in their own beds, so they have to get up and come into your own bed. That way, as their sleep cycles develop they will be more likely to sleep through the night in their beds and not the family bed. 

 To help children start out in their own beds instead of the family bed, involve the child in picking out the bed or which audios to listen to.  You can also use the techniques found in the articles, “Looking for Bedtime Routines to Make Bedtime Peaceful?”, “How Can I Help My Child Through Bedtime Tantrums Caused By Fear?” and “What Is The Best Way Of Handling Temper Tantrums At Bedtime That Are Caused By Toddler Separation Anxiety? ”.

 It is your choice whether or not to use a family bed, but it’s critically important you make an informed decision.  It’s not overly dramatic to say it could be a life and death decision.  There are sleeping arrangements that can promote bonding without suffocation risks.  Find the one that works best for you and your family so everyone gets the rest they need.

 Getting children to sleep on their own is only one type of bedtime hassle.  For details on how to solve all ten bedtime challenges get the teleseminar that summarizes all my bedtime articles.   Click here for more details about “The Halting Bedtime Hassles” teleseminar.  This one hour audio contains the solutions you need to help solve all top ten bedtime battles with children.  Click here to check it out!

 *****************************

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop and president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. She has 30 years’ experience as a top-rated speaker and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Currently, she hosts the Parents Tool Talk radio show and is a parenting expert columnist for Chic Mom magazine. She has produced almost 100 multimedia resources, which are available at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com. 

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

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GLOSSARY  OF  TERMS

428

Glossary  of  Terms                                                                                                                         429

430                                                                                                                 The  Parent’s  Toolshop

Glossary  of  Terms                                                                                                                         431

432                                                                                                                 The  Parent’s  Toolshop

THE PARENT’S TOOLSHOP:

The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introducing Your Toolshop Tour Guide

Chapter 1: Touring The Parent’s Toolshop (Another Parenting Book? • What The Parent’s Toolshop Does    •   Suggestions for Use)

STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX

Chapter 2: Foundation-Building Toolset

• Establishing a Common Language • What Are Our Parenting Goals?
• Parenting Styles:
• Over-controlling
• Under-controlling
• Balanced
• Parenting as a Team • Attitude Adjustment Tools • Practice • Detailed Answers

Chapter 3: The Universal Blueprint

• Balancing Logic and Emotion • ABC-123-D Steps • Types of Problems
• Identifying Problem Types
• Tips for Tots to Teens • Nobody Said Parenting Was Easy • Practice • Detailed Answers

Chapter 4: Self-Esteem Toolset

• What Is Self-Esteem? • Encouragement Versus Praise
• Self-Esteem Tools (1)
• Self-Esteem Tools (2)
• Is Praise Ever Okay? • Encourage Yourself • The Language of Encouragement • Practice • Possible Answers

Chapter 5: Cooperation Toolset

• The Difference Between Cooperation and Obedience
• Cooperation Tools (1)
• Cooperation Tools (2)
• Practice • Possible Answers

Chapter 6: Independence Toolset

• The Balance of Independence • Developing Responsibility
• Independence Tools (1)
• Independence Tools (2)
• Tips for Tots to Teens • Practice • Possible Answers

STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX

Taking over Child Problems

Chapter 7: F-A-X Listening Toolset

• Peeling Onions • Fax Communication • Problem-Solving Styles • Communication Barriers 
• F-A-X Listening • Step B1: Focus on Feelings 
• Tips for Tots and Teens • Practice • Possible Answers

Chapter 8: Problem-Solving Toolset

• Step B2: Ask Helpful Questions • Step B3: X-amine Possible Solutions • When to Move from Step to Step • Variations of Problem Solving • Problem-Solving Worksheet

• Common Child Problems (1: Emotions, Peers/Siblings)
• Common Child Problem (2: School) 
• Practice • Possible Answers

STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX

Where We Are in the Universal Blueprint

Chapter 9: Keep Your Cool Toolset

• What Is Anger?
• Steps of Constructive Anger/Stress Management • Resistance to Change 
• Dealing with Others’ Anger and Stress • Use an Anger Log

Chapter 10: Clear Communication Toolset

• Styles of Communication • Nonverbal Communication 
• Clear Communication Tools 
• Tips for Tots and Teens • Practice • Possible Answers

Chapter 11: PU Toolset (Unintentional Misbehavior)

• Identifying PU Problems (1: Development, Temperament) 
• Identifying PU Problems (2: Medical) • Using the Universal Blueprint to Redirect PU Behavior 
• Common PU Behaviors 
• Practice • Detailed Answers

Chapter 12: PO Toolset (“On Purpose” Misbehavior)

• Identifying PO Problems 
• The Four Types of PO Behavior • The Importance of the Universal Blueprint • PO Tools 
• Important Points to Remember • PO Combination Problems • The Goals of Adult Misbehavior • Lying 
• Practice • Detailed Answers

Chapter 13: Discipline Toolset

• The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline
• Discipline Tools
• Self-Control Timeouts (are not a discipline tool!)
• Parent’s Decision-Making Worksheet • Practice • Detailed Answers

STEP D: MAINTENANCE TOOLBOX

Chapter 14: Family Council Toolset

• The Purpose of Family Councils • The Benefits of Family Councils • Family Council Roles • Format Options
• Getting Started—The First Few Meetings • Family Councils Use All the Tools • Family Council Trouble-Shooting Guide
• Agenda/Activity Ideas • Practice • Detailed Answers

Chapter 15: Three C’s: Consistency, Criticism, Confidence

• Increasing Consistency
• Handling Criticism and Unhelpful Advice • Practice • Possible Answers
• Maintaining Your Confidence • Closing

APPENDIX

Glossary of Terms

Index

One-Page House Key

Back Cover

of The Parents Toolshop

The Parents Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family book is:

1. Comprehensive. Parents usually have to read dozens of books to find all the information they need for an effective parenting plan. The author of The Parents Toolshop has done all the research for parents, making it a one-stop resource that equals dozens of books combined. This saves parents years of research and hundreds of dollars on resources.

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Of all the books and magazines I’ve devoured regarding parenting skills, this one put them all to shame. I learned more from this book than I could have learned from one hundred put together. – – Debbie Klein

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2. Accurate, instead of fostering myths or giving inaccurate information. The author spent over ten years researching parenting resources, pulling out only the best, most reliable advice. Parents learn the basics of effective parenting principles so they can recognize inaccurate advice in other resources and avoid falling into common pitfalls that undo our efforts or start new problems.(Sign up for a F*R*E*E e-course and get a BONUS REPORT called “Parenting Myths & Truths” go to: http://www.parentstoolshop.com/7ecourse/)

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I’m really excited about sharing this information with other parents at my church. Your ideas are consistent with other resources I’m familiar with, but there are some things in their books I disagree with and I get so frustrated picking and choosing and screening them. It is so nice to finally find a resource that has done that for me. I can completely trust that it is comprehensive and accurate. – – Marla Hurst, parent, Adult Education teacher

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3. Organized, instead of randomly presenting helpful ideas. The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources)teaches a logical step-by-step plan for choosing the most helpful response to any situation and presenting it effectively. This helps parents organize what they’ve learned into a useful format they can easily remember and use. When a crisis strikes, it can take just a matter of seconds for parents to respond effectively.

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I especially like the Universal Blueprint™ formula. It gives me a tangible, visual way to organize all that I learned and use the ‘tools’ to their full potential. My professional training uses similar teaching methods, so it’s great to learn about parenting using the same process. Parenting is never easy, but this book makes it easy to understand. – – Mike Lowery

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4. Universally applicable, instead of discussing only one topic, skill, developmental stage, or type of relationship. The Universal Blueprint™ “Parenting-Success Formula” and its tools are useful in any relationship — with children of any age and even in adult relationships. Parents report that the more they use the skills in all their relationships, the more their relationships improve, in every area of their lives!

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As a parent, educator and program administrator, I have found the tools I learned from Parent’s Toolshop beneficial in all interpersonal situations. Parent’s Toolshop is certainly an excellent program for developing parenting skills but it also provides solid strategies useful in management, supervision and even marriage! – – Lynn Stephens, Chief Operations Officer, Okaloosa-Walton Child Care Services, A Resource and Referral Agency, Certified Parent’s Toolshop Tour Guide, Ft. Walton Beach, Florida

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5. Practical, not just philosophical. The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources) teaches the special language and actions of effective parenting and gives dozens of examples of applications for all ages and hundreds of real-life challenges.

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This book is dynamite! It is packed with tons of practical ideas. As a parent, I keep it by my bedside and also recommend it to the parents with whom I work. – – Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Insights Consulting Services and author of Taking the Fear out of Changing

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6. Offering positive solutions, instead of focusing on what not to do. The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources)tells parents what they can do and offers many choices within healthy limits. Parents feel empowered and confident about solving problems, because if one tool doesn’t work, they have plenty more from which to choose.

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I like The Parent’s Toolshop because it focuses more on the positive aspects of parent-child interaction as opposed to discipline and punishment; also because it is practical in its approach rather than theoretical. In addition, there are a lot of devices for remember the proper steps to take, so parents can really make the method “theirs.” – – Bryelle Broome, LSW, LPC, Parent Involvement Coordinator, DPS Head Start Program

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7. Effective.Step by step, The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources) explains why, when, and how to use each tool to its full potential while avoiding common misuses or abuses of effective skills. “Effective” parents have fewer problems, enjoy their children more, enjoy being a parent and develop deeper relationships with their children.

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I learned not only what the tools are, but how and when to use them. Anyone who’s interested in being a better parent can benefit from Jody’sclasses and resources. She is an inspiration to me and helped me become the parent I wish I had. – – Lynn Ervin-Dale

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8. Consistently reliable. Every tool in The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources) has been carefully selected, is consistent in philosophy, has been tested and proven effective, and can be cross-referenced with reliable parenting resources that have stood the test of time.

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Jody’s comprehensive book and advice are built on a solid foundation of research and real-life application. I highly recommend The Parent’s Toolshop to any parent who wants to dramatically improve their relationship with their child. – – Deborah Critzer, Positive Parenting

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9. The Parent’s Toolshop® produces positive long-term results, instead of proposing quick-fix methods that backfire later or have unhealthy long-term results. It’s always much harder to undo bad habits than to prevent them in the first place. The teachings in The Parent’s Toolshop® (and other Universal Blueprint™ resources) have been proven effective for more than four decades, so you know you’ll get the results you want.

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“In the late 60′s, I taught P.E.T. for several years and then taught S.T.E.P. for another fifteen years. If The Parent’s Toolshop had been around back then, I would have definitely chosen it above those other curricula. I like the way the toolsets are put together and the whole process of putting it into categories. The logical sequence makes it so easy to use. I am so impressed with this program, I am requiring all of our therapists to take the training. I also want several of them to become certified Toolshop Tour Guides, so we can provide this valuable program. I plan to keep several copies of the book in the office, so we can provide them to the parents we serve.” – – Millie McCarty, M.A., L.P.C., President & Executive Director, Lighthouse Counseling Inc.

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10. The Parent’s Toolshop®guarantees results! Anyone who reads all of The Parents Toolshop book and consistently uses the Universal Blueprint™ Parenting Success Formula and its tools will improve their parenting skills — guaranteed.

In 10 years of field test with 1295 parents:

1. 77% (or 992 parents) attended a 16-hour class and completed an outcome-focused pre/post skill assessment.

2. 83% of these 992 parents (or 823 parents) graduated from the 8-week program.

3. 99.87% of those graduates (or 822 of 823 parents) improved their parenting skills.

4. On a scale of 11 points, the average improvement in skills was 2.40 points, from below the midpoint (5.41) to the “more skillful” range (7.81).

5. Nearly 20% scored in the highest skill range possible!

In participant evaluations:

1. 83% rated the program “excellent,” 100% rated it “good” or “excellent”

2. 96% said they learned new information

3. 100% said they would recommend the program to others.

(To see more detailed results, go to: http://parentstoolshop.org/about/results/)

And the Results LAST!

Now that my son is almost eighteen and I see what a wonderful young man he is, I realize parenting is not all “luck.” I truly believe that 90% is because of the concepts I learned from you, when he was only three — and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. I had no role model for parenting to look back on. I learned healthy parenting from YOU, and it’s given me the most valuable thing in my life, a healthy, close relationship with my son. – – Eva Polichany

New Website Updates
Local (Dayton, OH) Programs

• Last Chance To Register For Live Classes
  • Register for T.I.P.S. for Frazzled Parents
  • Register For Inner Secrets To A Stress-Free Life
• School Toolshop®

International Programs
Recommended Resources

Everyone I’ve talked to has commented on how fast January flew by. They hit the ground running after the holidays and before they knew it, whoosh it was gone! I can relate! I’ve had major events both at PTC and my personal life and imagine you have, too. I think we all deserve to take a deep breath, slow down a bit, and regain some balance. So join me in doing so now, if only for a few minutes, by grabbing a mug of something warm to drink and getting off your feet long enough to catch up on this news brief.

NEW WEBSITE UPDATE

We would like to apologize if you’ve had difficulty whiletrying to register for a class or order any resources lately. We are in the middle of transferring to a new blog, shopping cart and database system — simultaneously. This means you may run across something you order being processed through the old cart while other items have new links and are being processed through the new shopping cart. With this transition, there have been a few break downs along the way and we appreciate you letting us know of any challenges you encounter by contacting support@parentstoolshop.com so we can promptly fix the remaining bugs. We appreciate your patience with the new process.

We will be transferring our email list to this new cart. Since you have opted into our list previously, you will not need to do so again, however, until then, if you make a purchase through the new cart before your record has been transferred you will be required to click a confirmation link to give us permission to send you emails.

Keep in mind our team and Expert Leaders as we continue preparing for the launch of the new Relationship Toolshop® hub site. We are in the final process of transferring pages from the old .com site to the new .org blog. The task of transferring over select files from the old 5,000-page website will take some time. So we appreciate your patience if you get redirected around a bit before landing on the page you are looking for.

Once we complete this transition and the hubsite and experts are in place, we will have a “grand opening” and hope you’ll come tour around. It is going to be so cool!!! We all get goosebumps just thinking about it. It’s been an almost year-long transition, but we are very close now. We want it all to work smoothly for you, so we are making sure to take time to test and retest.

LOCAL (DAYTON, OH) PROGRAMS

You Still Have Time to Register For My LIVE classes — Last class REGISTER FOR T.I.P.S. FOR FRAZZLED PARENTS

T.I.P.S. for Frazzled Parents is my most effective class — and the only class where I teach my entire unique step-by-step plan for preventing or effectively responding to any challenge you might face with children ages 1-18. From the most basic core concepts, to the simple and easy tweaks every parent needs to know, to the advanced nuances and uses of the tools, this is the only class that has them all.

Click here for more details.

Where: Kettering Behavioral Medicine Center, 5348 Lamme Rd, Dayton OH 45439
When: NEW DATES-STARTING 2 WEEKS LATER: 6 Mondays, 6 20 through March Tuition: Only $15 per classroom tour — or less! $270 Individuals/$405 Couples =discounts available for Grads and KHN staff and clients). + The Parents Toolshop e-book is included at no extra charge (a $19.95 value)

Register: Online or by mail/fax form. Any questions, please call 937-748-4541 or email us.
CEUs: Up to 18 CEUs for OH Social Workers, Counselors, MFTs, foster parents

Registration Deadline is February 6th and seats are limited so REGISTER NOW

REGISTER FOR INNER SECRETS TO A STRESS-FREE =IFE

If you like the Keep Your Cool Toolset from The parents Toolshop® and the EFT technique I share in T.I.P.S., then you will absolutely want to join me for the Stress-Free workshop. I will be taking an in depth look at these topics and sharing even more techniques so your life is more calm and you have inner peace. People have gotten amazing results from this workshop, including busting habits, freedom from phobias and anxiety attacks, and improvements in health.

Click here for more details

Where: Kettering Behavioral Medicine Center, 5348 Lamme Rd, Dayton OH 45439
Who: Anyone over age 13. Children ages 13-18 must attend with a parent or guardian.
Tuition: Less than $20 per classroom hour and fee includes materials and videos worth more than $200! $275/person, =412.50/couple (any family member).
Discounts: (Discounts available for KHN staff /clients, CEU participants and Groups of 4+ who register together.)
Register: Online or by mail/fax. Any questions, please call 937-748-4541 or email us.
CEUs: This series has been approved for up to 15 CEU hours for Ohio Licensed Foster Parents and Ohio Social Workers, Counselors and Marriage & Family Therapists through the Ohio State CSWMFT Board.

Registration Deadline is February 15th and seats are limited so REGISTER NOW

SCHOOL TOOLSHOP® 

If you would like to have a short topic or full-length Parents (or teacher) Toolshop® program offered in your school or district, I still have some availability through the rest of this school year. contact Belinda Long to learn more about which School Toolshop® program would be the right fit for your school, early child care center or after school program.

INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMS

If you’d like to attend the T.I.P.S. class but are not local to where I do my live workshops, you can get almost the same experience from the Advanced T.I.P.S. Online course. It’s the on-line version of my most-effective live workshop series and is even better in some ways, if that’s possible! You get to experience my unique, transformational live class (via video), access to me each week for questions and individualized problem-solving, every digital resources that I offer now and will create in the future, plus ongoing lifetime graduate support — all included in an affordable one-time, lifetime fee.

The course is available now with standard def videos; hi-def videos will be swapped out by March. I will be offering preview webinars and hi-def video samples throughout February. The class is no longer by invitation only; it’s open to any parent, but I’m offering a substantial discount to those of you on my list. So go check out the details and watch the video sample. Then either sign up now or wait for an invitation to a preview webinar to ask questions. You can also schedule a private one-on-one strategy session, too. All the details are located here.

Bring The Spark Back To Your Love Relationship For Valentines Day — And All Year-Long

Have FUN with your spouse or partner at any parenting stage and in many parenting situations. Discover how by listening to the Parents Tool Talk® Radio Show archive, “Make A Play Date With Your Spouse!” featuring my guest expert Greg R. Thiel, a Certified Family Life Educator, husband and father of two children.

We are so excited about what 2012 holds in store for us and all the ways we will be better able to serve you,  in 2012. Please keep visiting the new blog site and posting your questions in the forum. I’ll be in touch soon with more BIG NEWS as we launch the hub site. Until then…

I am always… Yours in Service to Families!

 It’s time for your children to get ready for bed.

You say, “Time to go brush your teeth.”

One whines, “But I don’t want to brush my teeth.”

The other says, “I want to keep playing.”

Your spouse steps in and says, “You both need to get in the bathroom and start brushing those teeth.”

The children just complain and whine louder.

You threaten, “If you don’t brush your teeth now, there will be no story time.”

This just escalates the situation and now the complaining has turned into temper tantrums.

You probably know the basic “5 B’s” of bedtime routines: Bath, Brush teeth, Bathroom, Books, and Bed. To make bedtime peaceful and prevent bedtime tantrums, struggles and delays, it is always helpful to offer choices about these basic steps. For example, children can choose whether to take a bath at night or in the morning, brush teeth before or after bathroom duties, and how many or which books to read.  If you find yourself handling temper tantrums at bedtime, offering choices goes a long way.

There are many other fun (and not too physical) games that you can add to these basics to help make bedtime peaceful. You may not always have the time or inclination to do these games every night, but if you frequently make bedtime fun, your children won’t resist bedtime as often when you follow the basic formula. Here are just a few games our family enjoyed, to give you some ideas. (Feel free to leave comments below for positive, fun but calming games you’ve made up):

• “The Yes/No game.” This game is similar to “20 questions.” Someone thinks of an object. Each person takes a turn asking a question that has either a “yes” or “no” answer. Here are some examples: “Is it alive?” “Is it man-made?” “Is any part of it made of metal?” We’ve been amazed that children as young as three-years-old enjoy playing this game. It is also a great traveling game.

• “Guess the feeling.” Each person takes a turn acting out an emotion and the others guess what the person is feeling. You may be surprised at how perceptive your young children are. The best part is that this game teaches children how to verbalize their feelings, which can prevent temper tantrums later.

• “Guess that animal” is similar, except you get to act like an animal!

   

• “Finish that story.”  One person starts a story with “Once upon a time . . .” At some point they pass the story to the next person, who can continue the story however they want. Once, my husband finished a story about a little alien girl who landed in our living room and climbed under my son’s pillow. When my son looked under his pillow, sure enough, there was the little purple-haired alien doll!

• “Hey! How did that get there?” Along the same lines, my husband would frequently hide in his pocket or shirt a toy that was left on the floor. Then he would tell a story that somehow brought the toy to life and described how the toy got into its hiding place. Curious, the children would search him, and find the toy that had hidden itself!

• “Tell a story about us!” Before your memories of family adventures begin to fade, start a journal to capture them on paper. You don’t have to write in it often, but now and then the stories can transport you all back to all the joy and laughter of the moment.

• “Create Family Songs.” Our family made up two family songs. One to the tune of the Addams Family and another to a rap beat. We name our cars and made up a theme song  about our old rust-bucket named Betsy.

• “Guess the story.” One person tells a familiar story without identifying the characters, such as a movie or family adventure. The rest of the family tries to guess who the story is about and/or the title.

• Forts and tents. Kids love to take blankets and make a fort to sleep in. Just limit this special activity to weekends and get agreements to be quiet and go to sleep after the lights are off. Don’t worry about starting a bad habit; soon enough they will be too old to enjoy this. They will never, however, forget the close, special memories they build with these forts.

• Back rubs and scratches. This is my personal favorite. Until I was almost twelve-years-old, I had a very special bedtime routine. It started with a “Charlie the Tuna Fish” story from my father. I honestly believed he had invented Charlie, because he was an artist and had painted a picture of Charlie — which I framed and hung in my children’s room. Next, my mom would scratch my back or brush my hair while she sang a song. My favorite was “All Through the Night.”

When I passed on this tradition with my own children, I found that my son, who was often tired and sore after a soccer game or practice, would share more about his day, while relaxing.  

My daughter liked back scratches better. I draw letters, pictures, and do a little “X marks the spot” rhyme that gave her goose bumps. One of my parenting class graduates said her children never want her to stop, so she calls her finger a “magic pen” that eventually runs out of ink. This gives her a tangible time to stop, so the pen can fill up for the next night.

• “Ask any question.” This is a 10 or 20-questions game that can help children open up during their back rubs and scratches. You agree to rub/scratch as long as they are still answering questions and to limit the number of questions if they don’t like to share much. Soon, you’ll find they want to ask you the questions. This can lead conversations from “What’s your favorite color?” to “Why do you think children try drugs for the first time?”

You can expand this game to a round-robin of asking a question and the others do their best to give their opinion. One of the ground rules is that no one has all the answers and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Question can range from, “Who is God?” to “Why do we have ear wax?”

For many families, bedtime battles with children are common. Including fun, quality time with your child’s bedtime routine helps prevent power struggles, whining, and less time spent handling temper tantrums. More importantly, these games can make bedtime peaceful and turn it into a time for expressions of love, touch, and precious memories. This can help end the day on a positive note and you all can get the rest you need. 

Children are naturally playful and imaginative, but these activities don’t take any special creativity from adults to play along. All you have to do is get the process started and the children take it from there. So get your creative juices going and make some special games of your own. Then feel free to share it in the comments section below.

If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips about getting children to bed and staying there without problems, listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar on this subject.  Click here for a description or to order.

*****************************

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop and president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. She has 30 years experience as a top-rated speaker and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Currently, she hosts the Parents Tool Talk radio show and is a parenting expert columnist for Chic Mom magazine. She has produced almost 100 multimedia resources, which are available at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com. 

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

You finally got a chance to meet up with a friend at the park so you could chat while your children let off some steam at the playground.

You’re constantly distracted by the nagging suspicion that you need to keep an eye on child, because he can get a too rambunctious at times.  You’ve seen your toddler biting, hitting and being aggressive to other children in the past, so you keep a watchful eye on him.

As you are listening to your friend’s story, you see your son push another child because he wanted to go through the tunnel and the other child was in his way.

The other child begins to cry, but your son just barrels over the top of him and goes through the tunnel.  He shows no remorse and is oblivious to the other child being hurt.

Mortified and embarrassed, you rush over, grab your son and take him over to the child who is crying.  You tell him, “You just pushed this little boy and hurt him.  You need to say, I’m sorry right now.”

Your son squirms and tries to get away from you.

What you had hoped would be a relaxing fun day out with your friend has turned into another frustrating, mind-boggling incident with your toddler. 

You leave the park. As you are driving home, you wonder, “What is wrong with him? Why can’t he just get along with other children? I’ve told him a million times not to be mean to other children. What am I doing wrong?”

It’s common for young children to have trouble managing strong emotions and impulses. Get those children wound up a bit and you’re likely to see an explosion, but not usually without some forewarning.

What Causes Aggressive Behavior In Children?

When you see aggressive behavior in children, stop and ask yourself, “has that child mastered the skills to behave appropriately in this situation?

There are really only two causes of aggressive behavior in children and knowing how to tell the difference is the key to resolving the problem:

1. Aggressive behavior in children is common at certain child development stages, because the child hasn’t mastered anger management, controlling their energy levels or conflict-resolution skills.

   It can also happen with older children if their parents never taught them these skills or model aggressive behavior themselves. When you understand the root cause of unintentional misbehavior, it’s understandable, but it’s not excusable.

   You always want to eliminate this possible cause first or the behavior will continue. So this article addresses “unintentional” aggressive behavior in children.

2. Children who have mastered those skills may become aggressive on purpose. Read “Can Anger Management Techniques Help Stop Aggressive Behavior In Children?” to understand why those children are aggressive and what to do about it.

Why Is Aggressive Behavior In Young Children So Common?

According to Your Three Year Old (also Four year old), by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg, one of the child development stages is called the transitional phase. It occurs around age four or five. Before then, children are still learning to manage their bodily functions and impulses. According to The Little Boy Book, by Sheila Moore, children who have high levels of testosterone (primarily but not exclusively boys and “tomboy” girls) often experience a strong chemical change when they are excited, wound up or angry. This energy is so strong that it’s difficult for them to control it.

How Can I Respond to Aggressive Behavior in Children Who Don’t Know Better?

Aggressive energy, once it’s there, will likely come out somehow, so your job as a parent is to show children how to channel it in constructive ways. Here are some suggestions, from prevention through discipline, using The Parent’s Toolshop^®’s unique “Universal Blueprint^® PASRR Effective Response Formula”:

The absolute, most important key to preventing and stopping unintentional aggressive behavior in children is to teach them anger energy management skills.

• Prevent the problem from starting or worsening.
  • Openly model the behavior you want to see. Since anger management happens inside, in our minds and bodies, you need to say out loud what you do to control your energy and emotions. The toddler will soak up what you are saying and imitate what you do later.
  • Describe the behavior you want to see.Choose from the following or mix ‘n’ match:
    • “I expect you to take turns with the toys.”
    • If you get tired of playing with him and want to leave, tell me in words. You can whisper in my ear.”
    • “If you get angry, you can either run to another room and growl out your anger or come to me and I’ll hold you until you feel better.” (Substitute your own preferences for healthy alternatives.)

•  Offer Choices in limits. “You can use words or walk away. Hitting is not one of your choices.”

• Use Descriptive Encouragement. Give children credit for every tiny effort they make in this area. It probably takes them great effort, despite how it appears to you. Pointing this out will help your children see they are making progress and they’ll be self-motivated to try harder.

When you need to intervene:

• For short-term solutions, try these positive responses:
• Free child from roles or labels. When children lose their tempers, avoid labeling them as bullies, brats, or mean. Instead, express your faith in their ability to grow and mature by saying, “I know you can learn to be angry without hitting.”
• Don’t Say Don’t. Instead of “Don’t hit,” say, “Use words” or “People aren’t for hitting.” Create a picture in your child’s mind of what you want him/her to do.
• No “No’s”. If a “no” happens to slip out in a crisis, it probably qualifies as an emergency. Just be sure to back it up with limits and information such as, “Hitting hurts people”

• When you are in the heat of the moment, you may need to dive into the situation, since safety is a concern. While you do that, verbally follow this formula:

1. Acknowledge feelings: As you hurry toward him to stop the aggression, say one sentence that takes the first two steps: “I see a boy who’s getting very angry!…” You can fill in the appropriate feeling word, such as “energetic,” “wound up,” etc.
2. Set the limit or rule: “. . . I expect you to remember to use words to get what you want.”
3. Redirect the misbehavior by resolving the core issue: In your second sentence, teach skills, by being very specific, “If you want (what the child wants), say (specific words).”
1. Use distraction. One option is to quickly remove the aggressive child and involve him/her in an acceptable activity. Do not remove an angry child to a quiet isolated setting that provides no opportunity to move or the lack of physical outlets could only increase the anger energy. Suggest acceptable options that will help the child channel the energy appropriately.
4. Reveal discipline: For this step, you have several options:
1. Logical consequences: “You can play nicely or we will leave. If there is any hitting, I’ll know you don’t know how to play well with others and end our visit.
2. If a temper tantrum starts by trying to get him to leave the situation:
   (1)   Offer a choice once, like, “You can walk by yourself or I can carry you out.” Always present removal as a choice before you follow through.
   (2)   If you still get physical resistance, pick child up using ONLY as much firmness or strength as is necessary to protect you and others, but not enough to harm the child. You need to remain in control or he’ll get even more scared.
   (3)   Carry him with his flailing arms and feet facing out (I learned this one the hard way!).
   (4)   Say softly, calmly but firmly in his ear, “I will not let you hurt yourself or others. When you calm down we can go back.” If you have already left once or it is getting to be time to go, change the last part to, “Next time we get together with your friends, you’ll have another chance to practice using words when you are angry.”
   (5)   If it comes to this point, your child will likely be crying, sad, angry, maybe even revengeful. Acknowledge feelings once or twice, then ignore the tantrum or the attention will give a payoff to the tantrum.
   (6)   If you think it is disrespectful for you to have to leave your friends because of your child’s behavior, think about your long-term goal. Remember, this too shall pass. When it does, you will be able to spend all your time visiting, instead of keeping an eye out for aggressive behavior in children and refereeing fights.
3. Use Self-Control Time-outs to teach anger/energy management. Most people think time-outs are discipline tools; they aren’t. To be most effective, they are used as follows: (See “Is Time Out An Effective Child Discipline Tool For Handling Misbehavior?” article for more details on how to structure effective time outs.)
1. Reveal the plan ahead of time. “You can either calm down or we will leave, you decide.” If the time comes, say “Quick! Go cool off. Come back when you feel ready to play again.”
2. Present the time-out as a choice so he learns that controlling his anger is his responsibility. Using choices will also prevent the time-out from turning into a power struggle.
3. Suggest where the child goes, based on whether the child would calm down sooner if he’s alone or where he can see people.
4. Offer suggestions for what the child can do to channel that energy. This is how children learn healthy anger management techniques.

Any behavior that is a result of a lack of skills may take time to see improvement — that’s what learning curves are. So just accept that this type of aggressive behavior in children may not improve overnight. It can take weeks, months or years, especially between the ages of two- to five-years-old. Once children go through those transitional child development stages, they can internalize and apply what they have learned.

Just be patient and follow through consistently. You will have times when you feel discouraged and think you aren’t getting through. You will have embarrassing situations that test your patience. But soon you will see little glimpses of your child using the skills you’ve taught him.

Follow this plan and when your child matures, you will find your child’s anger management techniques and conflict management skills are sometimes even higher than the children who never seemed to lose their temper when they were younger. That’s because teaching skills is a long-lasting solution, while punishment is just a quick fix that usually doesn’t last, because it models aggressive behavior.

If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips about misbehavior, listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “The Kitchen Stinks! Cut off ‘PU’ Misbehavior Before You Get ‘PO’d.’” Click here for a description or to order.

*******************************

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop and president of Parent’s Toolshop Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. She has 30 years experience as a top-rated speaker and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Currently, she hosts the Parents Tool Talk radio show and is a parenting expert columnist for Chic Mom magazine. She has produced almost 100 multimedia resources, which are available at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com. 

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Photo courtesy of J. Miller hyperorbit

Your child is playing soccer with some friends and all of a sudden you see him shove one of the other children to the ground and kick him.

You have taught him anger management techniques and you have seen him control his anger in the past so this takes you by surprise.

You run over to break up the commotion.

You say to your son, “That was really inappropriate.  You know better than that.  What’s gotten into you?”

Your son’s response is, “Well, he deserved it.  He started the whole thing.  He hit me first!”

You are taken aback and say, “No one deserves to be hurt.  You need to apologize now or were leaving!”

Your son grunts under his breath, “I’m sorry.”

When your child seems to be deliberately mean to others, it’s not only embarrassing, it’s infuriating! You are understandably shocked and often become angry yourself.

Whenever you see aggressive behavior in children, control your anger and quickly ask yourself, “has my child mastered anger management and communication skills?

• If you answer “no,” read an article about children who are aggressive because they haven’t mastered anger management techniques, in “Can Child Development Stages Play A Part In Aggressive Behavior In Children? ”
• If you answer “yes,” this article is for you.

Why Would a Child Be Intentionally Aggressive?

More than sixty years ago, Rudolf Dreikurs, a student of Alred Adler, identified “Four Goals of Misbehavior” that serves a purpose. In a nutshell, it says that all behavior is purpose-driven. When people try to meet their goals through positive behavior and it doesn’t work, they get discouraged and resort to negative behavior.

So the key to redirecting intentional aggressive behavior in children is to identify what benefit or goal it serves for them. Then redirect them by showing them how to meet that goal through positive behavior.

There are only four goals behind intentional aggressive behavior in children: Attention, Power, Revenge or has Given up trying more positive ways. (Note: Giving up misbehavior will always be passive, so it will never be the goal of intentionally aggressive behavior in children.

 How Can I Respond to Aggressive Behavior in Children Without Being Aggressive Myself?

 Just follow The Parent’s Toolshop^®’s unique “Universal Blueprint^® PASRR Effective Response Formula:”

Prevent the problem from starting or worsening. There are a lot parents can do to prevent and respond to aggressive behavior in children before or instead of discipline. See Part I for prevention tips.

When a problem arises, always start your response with one sentence that takes the next two steps:

Acknowledge the child’s feelings (to de-escalate the situation) and

Set limits or expresses your concerns. For example, “I can see you are really angry and hit that boy even though you know it’s not right to hit others.” For your second sentence …

Redirect intentional misbehavior based on the goal. Here is a list with the best tools for preventing and stopping aggressive behavior in children, based on their goal (listed above): 

• If the purpose is attention, either remove the child from the situation or remove the attention from the situation. Interact as little as possible in the process of removing the child or the attention. Later (minutes or hours), suggest or use problem-solving (see below) to remind your child of more appropriate ways to get people’s attention.

• If the purpose is power, be aware of who the child is trying to control. If it’s the other child, you can say, “If you want to do things your way, tell him why and see if you can take turns.” Suggest the exact words instead of making vague statements like “be nice.”

 If the child is trying to control your decisions by aggressively resisting, restate the choices within limits. Then point out that, “If you can’t decide without hurting, I’ll know you need to calm down before we discuss this further.” This can lead you into discipline. Remember, that the kind of control the child really wants is self-control or some control over the options.

• If the purpose is revenge, acknowledge the child’s hurt feelings without condoning the child’s actions. Say, “I can understand why that hurt your feelings.” Then use effective problem solving techniques (below) to brainstorm options if it happens again.

Always Redirect misbehavior before Revealing discipline or it will turn it into punishment and/or escalate the situation.

Reveal discipline that is not aggressive, which would turn it into punishment and model aggressive behavior.  Read the article, “Punishing vs Disciplining Children” to learn the difference. When you state what the discipline will be or need to follow through, be very careful to use anger management techniques yourself and follow through calmly and firmly. You are the grown-up, so control yourself until you have a chance to dis-engage and calm down before disciplining children. Possible disciplines are:

• Use effective problem solving techniques to get agreements and build discipline into the plan. This option may take longer to use, but usually gets the best results. Even a three-year-old can do problem solving, in a condensed version. When both of you are clam, follow this formula:
  • Listen to the child’s feelings first, “How do you feel when you lose your temper?” “How do you feel when your friends get hurt?”
  • State your feelings: “I don’t like losing my temper, yelling, or seeing your friends treated meanly.” or “I have a concern about children getting hurt when another child gets angry.” Make this a short one-sentence statement, not a lecture. Quickly move to the next step.
  • Brainstorm Options: “When you are angry, what do you think you can do?” Don’t evaluate any ideas yet. The ideas can be for more effective anger management techniques the child can use (See Part I for suggestions.) or how to response more appropriately.
  • Evaluate the ideas. “Well, hitting is one option some people choose. What would happen if you hit him? How would you feel? How would he feel? How would the teacher feel?” If children don’t dismiss an inappropriate idea on their own, use a value statement like, “I don’t agree with hitting other people. What are some of your other ideas? Is there something else that might work better?”
  • Decide on a plan and practice a few hypothetical situations. Use a code word or signal to remind the child of the agreement when you sense things heating up.
  • Get an agreement for a trial period. Say, “So are you willing to try that for the next few weeks and see how it goes?” Usually if children think the plan isn’t written in stone they will be more willing to sincerely try it.
  • Build in a consequence if the child breaks the agreement – Social outings are a special opportunity, so children must show that they can behave responsibly, even when they have a problem or get angry. 

Tell your child, “If you show me you are not ready to work out your problems without hurting people I’ll know you need to take a break from socializing for awhile. I will give you one opportunity to change your behavior, then we will leave. If it comes to this, you can practice anger management techniques at home with us for a day or two, then have another chance to show me you can use them with other children. Do you understand?”

Don’t make the time period too long if it only happens infrequently. Always keep it reasonable. What your child needs is more practice, not punishment that increases his resentment even more.

• Show the child how to make amends. If a child hurts someone’s feelings or body, have the child make amends. Do not force the child to say “I’m sorry,” because that can lead to a power struggle. You want your child to take responsibility for the consequences of what he did, not get an easy excuse or cancellation of his responsibility by saying those two words insincerely. Instead, say you want him to “show he’s sorry.” That opens up all kinds of options, some of which will help him save face. For example:
  • Tell him, “If you hurt someone, I expect you to at least check to make sure the other child is okay.”
  • If it’s feelings he hurt, he can write an apology letter or do something nice for the person.
  • He can say he’s sorry or hug him, if that is what he sincerely wants to do.
  • If it is a body that’s hurt, the hurtful child needs to be involved in cleaning, getting ice, holding cloth, putting a bandage on, or helping with these things if he’s too young to do them by himself.
  • If the child chooses not to do anything, then you know he’s not ready for social activities right now and can reveal the consequence mentioned above.

Lastly, remember Rudolf Dreikurs theory above? Amazingly, his theory has proven to be rock solid, as shown through hundreds of long-term research studies. As a result, nearly ever successful evidence-based parenting program will incorporate either Adler or Dreikurs’ teachings — including The Parent’s Toolshop®.

If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips about misbehaviour, listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called, “Why Kids Misbehave — and What You Can Do to Prevent and Stop it.” Click here for a description or to order.  

*******************************

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop and president of Parent’s Toolshop Consulting, where she oversees an international network of Toolshop^® trainers. She has 30 years experience as a top-rated speaker and parenting expert to the media worldwide, including serving as the Co-Producer and Parenting Expert for the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. Currently, she hosts the Parents Tool Talk radio show and is a parenting expert columnist for Chic Mom magazine. She has produced almost 100 multimedia resources, which are available at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com. 

Reprint Guidelines: You may publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us where you are reprinting the article. To request permission from the author to publish this article in print or for commercial purposes, please complete and send us a Permission to Reprint Form.

Photo by Anita Patterson, abpphotos@yahoo.com